Here

I have a problem. I am not happy with my life. For some reason, I wanted to blame DH for that. I feel like I am lazy, and don't get done the things that I want to get I haven't accomplished anything that I've wanted to accomplish with me life. Maybe it is a quarter life crisis. Although there are problems with our marriage, it is time for me to be honest about what is and isn't my fault. There are problems in our marriage that are his fault. I will not let him off the hook for those without working those out. But my problems are, by and large, my own. I am an emotional eater and I eat when I am upset with him, but that does not mean he is to blame for my weight and self esteem issues. If anything, he is a champion for my self esteem. And I am lazy. There are no two ways about it. That is hwy I have not accomplished many of my personal goals. It is not because he doesn't make enough money and I have to pick up the slack. There is plenty of time in the day for me to pick up his slack as well as do my own things. It is true that I want more of adventurous life, but why don't I create it myself. Go to the playground more often. Go to the beach and the library and the park. Instead of leaving him and being forced into an adventure, create the life that you want right here. It might be harder, but it might also be more rewarding.

Manipulated?

Is he the master manipulator, or am I just looking to be manipulated? I am still here, after a long debate on affection, among other thing. Affection was a clincher for me. I need affection. When my little son gives me a good snuggle every day, and I don't recall the last time my DH gave me a real kiss, held my hand, or gave me a real good snuggle, we have a problem. Does he want me to replace him with the children? He said he would do better, that affection would be coming. I hope he isn't just talking about sex.

Escaping the Mundane

There is a part of me screaming, don't do it; stay with him. The massive part of me that loves him wants to do that, but a whole other part of me wants to go, to be something more, to raise the boys a different way. I want them to grow up knowing no boundaries to what can and should be done. I want them to do whatever it is that they want, not just what they grew up believing what was possible, which was not much. I want them to believe in something more than the mundane. DH's life shows no evidence beyond the mundane. Although I find him intellectually stimulating on many levels, and imagine that will never change, I feel like he has lost his love for me. I feel like his sense of loss from this separation is very different from mine. I feel like I am loosing a lover and he feels like he is losing a dependent or something. I don't know how he sees me, really. I know that he likes that I love him, and that I do things for him, but I don't know if he actually likes me. All evidence points to him not liking me, since when I talk, he either says we can't talk about this or he just doesn't hear me. How much could he actually like me? He couldn't. He just couldn't like me.