Here

I have a problem. I am not happy with my life. For some reason, I wanted to blame DH for that. I feel like I am lazy, and don't get done the things that I want to get I haven't accomplished anything that I've wanted to accomplish with me life. Maybe it is a quarter life crisis. Although there are problems with our marriage, it is time for me to be honest about what is and isn't my fault. There are problems in our marriage that are his fault. I will not let him off the hook for those without working those out. But my problems are, by and large, my own. I am an emotional eater and I eat when I am upset with him, but that does not mean he is to blame for my weight and self esteem issues. If anything, he is a champion for my self esteem. And I am lazy. There are no two ways about it. That is hwy I have not accomplished many of my personal goals. It is not because he doesn't make enough money and I have to pick up the slack. There is plenty of time in the day for me to pick up his slack as well as do my own things. It is true that I want more of adventurous life, but why don't I create it myself. Go to the playground more often. Go to the beach and the library and the park. Instead of leaving him and being forced into an adventure, create the life that you want right here. It might be harder, but it might also be more rewarding.

Manipulated?

Is he the master manipulator, or am I just looking to be manipulated? I am still here, after a long debate on affection, among other thing. Affection was a clincher for me. I need affection. When my little son gives me a good snuggle every day, and I don't recall the last time my DH gave me a real kiss, held my hand, or gave me a real good snuggle, we have a problem. Does he want me to replace him with the children? He said he would do better, that affection would be coming. I hope he isn't just talking about sex.

Escaping the Mundane

There is a part of me screaming, don't do it; stay with him. The massive part of me that loves him wants to do that, but a whole other part of me wants to go, to be something more, to raise the boys a different way. I want them to grow up knowing no boundaries to what can and should be done. I want them to do whatever it is that they want, not just what they grew up believing what was possible, which was not much. I want them to believe in something more than the mundane. DH's life shows no evidence beyond the mundane. Although I find him intellectually stimulating on many levels, and imagine that will never change, I feel like he has lost his love for me. I feel like his sense of loss from this separation is very different from mine. I feel like I am loosing a lover and he feels like he is losing a dependent or something. I don't know how he sees me, really. I know that he likes that I love him, and that I do things for him, but I don't know if he actually likes me. All evidence points to him not liking me, since when I talk, he either says we can't talk about this or he just doesn't hear me. How much could he actually like me? He couldn't. He just couldn't like me.

Does He Love Me

The porn issue is a hard one for me, no pun intended. I don't know if he'll do it or not, but I'm assuming he will. That is hurtful, since he hasn't been interested in sex with me. At the same time, it sort of seals the deal for me. I don't really want to tell him this. I feel like any time I want to tell him something openly about the leaving process, he takes it as manipulation. I can understand that. It is like I am holding my leaving over his head. Nothing in his behavour has changed. He isn't really interested in fighting for me, but is taking this opportunity to fight with me. I just wish I knew whether he loves me. He says he does, but really, he does not treat me as he once did, not at all. He does not seem to enjoy my company, or even my presence. We do not talk like we used to. We hardly talk at all.  I think if he told me that he didn't love me, it would be much simpler. But this half hearted insistence that he does love me with no action behind it, is it worth devoting my life to?

The Decision is Mine

He says that the love that I have been getting is the love that I will continue to get. He has no desire for more intimacy or deeper fellowship. He likes a mutually beneficial relationship. Although he once enjoyed sharing his affecton with me, he just doesn't feel it now. Then there is my religious apathy. Sure, I could call it something else entirely, or make excuses for it, but in reality, I see it as just not being there, at least for now. I need to make decisions based on where I am now, not based on where I would someday like to be spiritually. I don't know if I'll ever be there. I just don't know. What I do know is that I don't want to stay. There is less and less in me that is interested in staying. It is odd, but I see that trend continuing, not reversing. This isn't the marriage I entered into, and it will probably never be again. DH has said as much himself. So... why am I still here? We need to have a yard sale. We need the money from RJ. I cannot leave this decision up to him. He is fine with things the way that they are. I am the one that is not fine. I am the one who needs the change.

Traveller, Dreamer, Thinker, Nurturer

What a funny thought, the situation that we are in now. He has no love in his own self to pour on me. Yet here he is in a situation where he has to show me that he loves me. It is demanded of him, with threats of going. All he is talking about is how he feels, how this marital problem has effected him. It is very frustrating to pour so much of yourself into someone and have nothing given back but a longer list of needs. What an amazing woman that I am, to have done this for so long and still have the strength to go. Seriously, I need to think of myself that way. I need to be that person that I had dreamed of being. This is not who I wanted to be when I grew up. I wanted to be a traveller, a dreamer, a thinker and a nurturer. Will there be difficulties? Absolutely! Would this be easier without my little flock of men? Of course! Would it be better? Never! This is the very best way that this could happen. This will be the beginning of the greatest adventure we'll ever go on: life.

Divided Mind

Part of me wants to go, to fly like the wind. I just want to get on with my life. I need to be happier than this. I need adventure and freedom. Some people choose adventure when they are young, many choose it when they are older. I want my adventure to be with my kids, not before or after them. I want them to know that life is a grand adventure. Where do God and Jesus fit into all of this? I don't know. I'll figure it out another time. DH was right. I want to go. I do love him. I probably always will, and I don't think I'll ever want to be married again. Because of the hardness of your hearts, divorce was allowed. Is this for the hardness of my heart or of his heart? I don't know. Probably both. Am I sure that I want to go? Yes, I am pretty sure. At the same time, there is definitely a part that is hesitant. I have hope for this marriage, even though all evidence shows that there is no reason for it. My basic gripe will always be there: anger and lack of love. Just because I love him, that does not mean that he will love me. It means that he will appreciate the fact that someone loves him. as time goes on and I enjoy him less and less, he has shown me less and less love. Now we are in a situation where I want him to prove his love. That is impossible for him, since I am not feeding him love to reflect back to me. How sad that  most of this marriage, he had no love for me of him own, but was filled enough with my love for him that he had some love to give to me.

Justifying Leaving

I knew that there would be violence, but at one point he truly loved me and enjoyed me between the violent spells. I did not fear violence towards children, as he seemed to be a champion for children. He is not  though. He is not who I thought he was. I don't know if I want to stay or go. I did not put conditions on staying, although I will leave if I have to use mace, even once. That is the only condition that is justified to me. Although I could justify leaving to others if that did not happen, I could not justify it to myself, at least not Biblically. Do I still believe in all that anyway? I don't know, but I'm not sure if it is even relevant.

I am confused

I am pretty confused about the DH situation. On the one hand, I do love him, very much. On the other hand, it becomes clearer every day that he does not feel the same way about me. He was good this morning in restraining from violence, but not good at controlling his anger. Any time I try to have an honest discussion about our situation, he is not there. It seems he does not want to be here for me at all. In his mind, he only sees the relationship from his viewpoint. It is draining and I am exhausted. I don't know whether or not to stay or to go. Staying, I feel like crap. Going will make me feel guilty, like I have failed God. How do I feel, though? Is there a part of me that wants to stay? Maybe, but this is not the marriage that I signed up for.